{"id":193,"date":"2005-04-28T02:55:26","date_gmt":"2005-04-28T02:55:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/uncategorized\/break_it_up_alr\/"},"modified":"2005-04-28T02:55:26","modified_gmt":"2005-04-28T02:55:26","slug":"break_it_up_alr","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/funny\/break_it_up_alr\/","title":{"rendered":"Break It Up Already!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Carl_lewis_bubbles\"<\/a>Wacky Weblink Wednesday…<\/p>\n

When I was growing up, Carl Lewis was perhaps my favorite athlete. Something about the sprint and long jump just seemed so sleek and dynamic and pure. So graceful, so fleeting, so intense. And winning the gold in long jump in 4 consecutive Olympics? That’s FUCKING NUTS. To me, Carl Lewis was untouchable.<\/p>\n

Apparently I had forgotten a few things<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Click on FUN WITH CARL and you will be treated to a self-mocking chronological retrospective of Carl’s hair (including The Hood Ornament, The Dead Beaver, and The Gumby); Carl’s clothes; and a forgettable pop song ("Goin’ For Gold"), including a mix with brain-deadening rap interlude.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

For the icing on the cake… Do you recall Carl Lewis and the Electric Storm<\/em>? For some reason he put the video for their 1987 single "Break It Up"<\/a>
\non his website. I have not been able to figure out this video. Carl is
\nworking out in the gym, while singing of course, and an old fat lady
\nwearing clown glasses starts blowing bubbles on him. At first he’s all,
\nWTF?, like the rest of us. But then he gets an idea. He invites her
\ninto the hot tub to work his sweet lip magic on her shoulder. People
\nhave suspicions that Carl has used the juice. In this case, the use of
\njuice is apparent. And by juice, I mean Funky Cold Medina<\/a>. And by using, I mean gulping.<\/p>\n

What
\nhappens next is beyond comprehension. Carl drags the woman into the
\nsauna (sans sunglasses, mercifully), she winks at the camera, and she
\nplaces a Do Not Disturb sign on the door. WHAT?!!! <\/p>\n

We
\nshouldn’t disturb Carl and Madame Whorebag Elderpants, but they can
\ndisturb us? Now, I’m all for cross-race conferencing. I’ll grant you
\nthat  hyper-cross-generational negotiations can be touching in context (Harold and Maude <\/em>is
\none of my favorite movies.) And all you ladies out there know
\ncross-gender cross-prodding is nothing if not My Thang. But, seriously,
\nwhat does any of that have to do with the song?<\/p>\n

The lyrics go,
\n"So reach for another hand, in a human chain." A nice sentiment, but
\ndoes it really mean screwing the retarded in a public sauna? I imagine
\nthe human chain to be a sturdy one of steel, not the
\nChristmas-tree-decking type made of construction paper links pasted
\ntogether in a remedial kindergarten class. "We all have the power, to
\nmake a better world, yeah." That’s very generous of you to tend to the
\nsexual needs of an unattractive person of senility, Carl, but for a
\nsong meant to inspire, surely there are other directions you might have
\npointed your audience. Yeah.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Wacky Weblink Wednesday… When I was growing up, Carl Lewis was perhaps my favorite athlete. Something about the sprint and long jump just seemed so sleek and dynamic and pure. So graceful, so fleeting, so intense. And winning the gold in long jump in 4 consecutive Olympics? That’s FUCKING NUTS. To me, Carl Lewis was […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,4,39,33],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-193","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny","category-music","category-sex","category-sports"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/193","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=193"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/193\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=193"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=193"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/silverjacket.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=193"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}