In the book review section of Psychology Today we have a page called Road Test. A writer takes a self-help book out for a test drive and reports the results. Last month a man named Sheraton G. Munford sent us his book, Confirming Theories. The brief intro ends with: "please read with an open mind and give serious thought to the theories of Sheraton G. Munford." The book's not quite right for PT, so I decided to road test it for SJ!
Confirming Theories is a list of 35 theories, each about a page long, and each followed by a page with blank lines for answering three questions: "How was the research on the theory completed?" "What were the results of the research?" "Please explain why you do or do not support the theory." Munford lays out his theories and we get to test them for him! Awesome! Let's get to work.
#5 Nigga/Nigger Theory
When a white person calls a black person a nigger, it means something different than a black person calling another black person a nigga. Nigga is a Black American Colloquialism used in place of words like person, man, guy, or dude. A black person will be offended by any other nationality who calls them anything remotely sounding like nigger…
•How was the research on the theory completed?
My mom said a lot of black people live in the Bronx, so I decided to do my experiment there. I addressed black people by various words that sound remotely like nigger.
•What were the results of the research?
Not good!
•Please explain why you do or do not support the theory.
I support it, but only partially. As a white person, I pissed off a lot of people. Then I tried using "nigga" while undercover (in blackface) and for some reason that seemed to offend people even more. Go figure.
#22 The Unwavering Stare Theory
When two people catch eyes, it is not normal for them to continue staring because it is rude and challenging to stare. A normal reaction would be to politely smile, speak, turn away or do all three unless there is something odd about the way someone looks, what they are doing, or if they are extremely attractive… People who stare for no reason have an insecurity problem that originates from a small or large mental problem…
•How was the research on the theory completed?
I took this one to the subway. It required several tries to actually catch eyes with someone. People don't really like eye contact on the subway. But whenever it happened I opened my eyes really wide just to make sure they knew I was staring. I didn't want any muddled data.
•What were the results of the research?
I don't know how you measure being rude, but some people moved seats or train cars. One man tried to pick a fight with me. I told him I was doing research. He beat me up. I think I have a small or large mental problem.
•Please explain why you do or do not support the theory.
Again, sort of right. It turns out it's rude to stare at people even if they look odd or are extremely attractive. Oh, and doing "all three" normal reactions is a little rude too. People get confused when you turn away from them to talk to them, even if you are smiling.
#19 Listening to Women Theory
Women talk about the things that are wrong in their lives in order to vent. A man needs to listen and listen only unless a woman specifically asks him to comment… The "Listening To Women Theory" does not only apply to women talking about things that are wrong. It applies to a woman talking about anything. Ninety-eight percent of the time when women are talking, they are venting and only need someone to listen…
•How was the research on the theory completed?
Wary of previous field excursions, I did a simple lit search on this one. I reviewed previously published reports by gender experts Dov Charney, Joe Francis, and Tucker Max.
•What were the results of the research?
According to the gurus, women are great for, respectively, buying clothes, taking them off, and giving head. Jut put up with their self-obsessed yapping and you'll do fine.
•Please explain why you do or do not support the theory.
Munford stands in good company. But wait… I vaguely recall a female professor or someone saying something of value one time or another. Ya, this one might need a little more looking into. I'll get back to you.
#9 Never Say Never Theory
There is a spiritual war being fought between God and Satan. They're at war to be the single influence in a person's life. Satan with spiteful intentions directed at God, likes to demonstrate his power to influence people. He targets people who say they will never do something because he feels this is the best way to demonstrate his power over them.
•How was the research on the theory completed?
I said I would never taunt Happy Fun Ball. To be sure, I said it out loud, like, three times. I figured I was safe because, as far as I know, Happy Fun Ball is fictional, or at least discontinued.
•What were the results of the research?
Satan took hold immediately. His demonstration began with mind games. I tossed and turned all night tormented by dreams of Happy Fun Ball piercing my body at high velocity, or sometimes going halfway into my torso, jiggling around for a minute, and then coming out at a completely surprising angle. I mean I'm talking some really silly, agonizing trajectories. Then I would notice bouncy balls around me during the day. In random places. Who put that there? Was it Satan? Sometimes they would follow me, or find their way under my shoe on the sidewalk, making a fool of me on first dates. One time I cracked my skull and my date wrote a totally embarrassing blog entry about me. I tried to defend myself in the comments section but it just turned into this whole big thing.
•Please explain why you do or do not support the theory.
Satan, please stop targeting me. I promise, I will never doubt Sheraton G. Munford's theories again. Oh, fuck…
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