Silver Jacket

Bloggy Blog

  • Best Email Ever

    Fart

    From: "Steve" <redacted@glis.net>
    To: <matt@silverjacket.com>
    Subject: Is it a secret code?
    Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2007 20:00:34 -0400

    If it is, I guess  I’m fucked.

    I really shouldn’t care why you can’t seem to spell "skills" correctly – but it seems such a singular error. You don’t misspell "nut-crunching" (although one might argue that a deliberate error, such as "nut-krunching" might convey the agony [the "aggh-oh-neeee"?] more effectively; James Rand had a grandfather who though that "crinkled" should be spelled "krinkled") and you don’t even misspell "dies". "Skills" is the only word you misspell – and you do it absolutely consistently.

    So what in Hell is the reason?

    Or must I read all preceding installments of the blog? If so, go ahead, look strange.

    Once upon a time, I was gratuitously different. Then I grew up.

    Eric C. Sanders
    tired old fart – who finds the Empathy Theory of Yawn Contagion very persuasive.

    using the boss’s e-mail address

    When I read the above email last night I assumed it was spam–you know that crazy surreal spam spewed onto the nets only to confuse filters–until I got about halfway through, and realized he was referring to something I posted on my blog 15 months ago. (The post described how mirror neurons might engender our "theory of mind skillz" and "empathy skillz" (but less so in people with autism, who must settle for "mad card counting skillz," if they’re lucky.)) So I replied:

    Hi Steve,

    Please pass the following on to Mr. Sanders. Much obliged.

    Eric,

    Thanks for reading my weblog. Nope, no secret code. Just a bit of bloggy irreverence. Skillz is a common rapper and hacker spelling of skills. (See http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=skillz.) As it’s often applied to rhyming and fragging (performing well at the rap game or the video games), I found it mildly amusing to apply it to theory of mind and empathy, capacities not advanced through practice, nor thought to enhance street cred(ibility.) In fact, quite the opposite, as wasting fools with style often requires a certain blithe bravado. Well, maybe a rep(utation) for strong theory of mind skillz can garner props (proper respect), as it’s pretty cool to say you’re all up in your opponent’s head, psyching him out, but the use of cog sci terminology still renders the linguistic juxtaposition subtly farcical. And as for autistics with "mad [=significant] card counting skillz," some autistics–the idiot savants– might have stupendous skills, but, god bless em, they’ll never have skillz.

    I admit, adding quirk to one’s prose can make one look strange, but that’s how I roll.

    Take care,
    Matt

    P.S. Are you from Roseville, MI?

    No reply today but I’ll keep you posted.

  • Unnatural Selection

    RunawayjuryI’ve got a feature article in the current issue of Psychology Today. It examines the methods, efficacy, and ethics of jury selection consulting, which is sometimes branded as a science but often more closely resembles a dark art.

    Legendary attorney Clarence Darrow once argued, "Almost every case has been won or lost when the jury is sworn." In the most important trend- and precedent-setting cases, attorneys leave nothing to chance. A trial of one’s peers? Nah. Jury consulting rakes in hundreds of millions of dollars a year, a significant portion of which goes to stacking the jury. Consultants stage mock trials, do drive-bys of potential jurors’ homes, and enlist body-language experts to intuit potential jurors’ moods, personalities, and deepest secrets. (Stealth jurors–the ones secretly plotting to push an agenda or nab a book deal–are notoriously hard to weed out.)

    For this story, in addition to researchers and lawyers, I interviewed the top-dollar consultants who helped select the juries for the trials involving OJ Simpson, Scott Peterson, Rodney King, Ken Lay, Vioxx, and other big clients. One of these gurus, Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, has even been personally blamed for the LA riots. Yes, the practice of jury selection is evolving, becoming more rigorous and sophisticated thanks to social scientists and statisticians, but it’s still largely based on gut and chance. And sometimes all it takes is a juror with hemorrhoids to throw off your whole game.

    [A few of the blogs that have picked up on the story so far:
    Arts & Letters Daily
    3 Quarks Daily
    The Situationist
    Neuroethics & Law Blog
    Psychology and Crime News
    Deliberations]

  • Weird Science

    Part of my job is skimming tons of science journals and separating the Easter eggs from the chaff. And some of those eggs smell kinda funny. Here are the top 10 paper titles I've encountered in the last six months.

    Evilmonkey10. "Reinforcing effects of smoked methamphetamine in rhesus monkeys" (Psychopharmacology)

    Where the hell does one find monkeys who know how to smoke meth? Oh, from the abstract: "Materials and methods  Four rhesus monkeys were trained to smoke cocaine (COC)… Upon observing stable levels of self-administration, METH was substituted for COC". Not. Cool.

    (more…)

  • Bytes for Bites

    BenettonIn 2005 I posted hyperbolic praise for Nicholas Negroponte’s $100 laptop program that revealed my idealistic side. A more pragmatic response would be Bill Gates’ "Be a Hero, Feed Your Family" program, in which the Gates Foundation offers poor hungry laptop recipients $100 in hard cash or food or vaccines for their colorful gadgets. ("…The ‘Be a Hero’ program will offer you valuable goods in exchange for your wonderful toy. As much as one hundred dollars, Abdul! Think! That is more than your Papa earned all last year!…")

    The apocryphal plan reminds me of one of my favorite Sarah Silverman gags (as quoted in the NYer):

    I, this past summer, sent fifteen really fun cowl-neck sweaters to this village in Africa, in really fun colors—expecting nothing, by the way—and they culled their money together, whatever they call it, and bought a stamp and sent me a postcard thanking me, and it said thank you and that they had enough sweaters for every single member of the village to get one and that they were delicious.

    (P.S. Holly, I hope you do your yarn activities with the Tanzanian orphans *after* lunch.)

  • Step 3: Don’t open the box.

    Schrodingers_catUsually my coworkers and I are too busy at the office to use IM for anything non-work-related, but occasionally it serves as a virtual water cooler, like yesterday.

    matt: how was your date
    matt: is that why you were late
    jay: no, i had a doctor's appointment this morning.
    matt: was the doc appt related to the date?
    jay: i wish.
    carlin: there's a male morning after pill now?
    matt: it seeks out and destroys your sperm wherever it happens to be
    carlin: it's a homing and killing device.
    jay: yeah. the guy takes the pill, the woman's pregnancy terminates.
    jay: does your sperm have to be pre-installed with self-destruct devices?
    matt: no the spewed sperm are quantum-entangled with your remaining sperm. it reads those.
    carlin: bingo
    jay: "quantum entangled" – i'm not familiar with that term.
    matt: simple physics.
    jay: yeah, sounds real simple
    matt: collapse of the wave function, etc.
    carlin: it's a sperm, it's a particle…
    matt: it's a spermicle
    matt: we should do a charticle on spermicles
    jay: and how does it work? the man swallows a pill?
    carlin: it's a spermcicle
    carlin: yum
    jay: or he goes to the window and releases it?
    matt: he jacks off into a black box
    matt: with a cat in it

    EPILOGUE

    Jay laughs so loudly at this that another coworker asks Jay to share with the group.
    jay: what should i say?
    matt: MAKE SOMETHING UP
    jay: give me something!
    Carlin distracts the coworker with a question about the flowers on her desk.
    carlin: drop it
    matt: um, tell her you found a picture of a monkey that looks like a dog
    jay: should i seriously forward that to her?
    carlin: no drop it!!!!
    matt: looks like she's over it
    jay: ok. thanks. nice work, carlin.

  • Money Talks

    RichieThe word "said" is the gold standard when attributing quotes in straight-laced journalism, preferred over "exclaimed" or "stammered" or any other alternative; the reporter remains objective and lets the words speak for themselves. But sometimes "said" just doesn’t cut it. Below are two paragraphs that caught my eye in yesterday’s Times story about parents receiving a letter from a preschool warning that their practice of sending their kids to school in chauffeured SUVs that double and triple park endangers their progeny. I’ve highlighted two instances of "said" and suggested appropriate alternatives.

    A public-relations executive, Dan Klores, who owns one of the S.U.V.’s, said he was unaware of Ms. Schulman’s letter. “I don’t have much to do with the place,” he said. “My wife takes my kid by stroller.”

    Replacement: "admitted, before blatantly lying."
    Reporter: "Hi, I’m a Times reporter. I just saw your child get out of your SUV in front of school." Mr. Klores: "Whatever, you must be on drugs. Plus, I don’t give a shit about my kid’s education."

    A parent whom other parents identified as a chauffeur-using mother, Alison Schneider, whose husband, Jack Schneider, is a hedge fund manager, said, "I got the letter, but I don’t really have any feelings about it one way or the other. It’s kind of boring. It’s about cars and parking."

    Replacement: "bobbled." Extra points: "bobbled, gum-snappily."
    I’m less offended by the moral obliviousness than by the transgression in logic. Anything car related = dull. "Oh, it describes how people might be RUN OVER by cars? Um, BO-RING." Read it again, ma’am. This time, focus. "Wait, my defenseless three-year-old might be run over? Plus, the blood would be on my hands? My god, that’s–ZZZZZZZZZZ….." And scene.

  • The Professionals

    In researching for an article I assigned recently, I happened across an intimidating tag team of characters moonlighting as the faculty of The Southwest Finland Institute for Art, Craft and Design. Digging up some background info (via reconnaissance, surveillance, downloading of CVs) I’ve identified the all-stars from the troupe and assembled their profiles below.

    THE THUGS

    Esav
    Eeroj
    Annel

    Esa Virko
    Esa "Wild Bill" Virko, also known as "The Chair Wrangler of the North," demonstrates his perfected headlock technique on an unruly specimen. He’s the reason the department no longer invests in Aerons.

    Eero Juntilla
    Eero Juntilla (translation: "Euro Giantilla") prepares to make kindling so that he might roast a wild boar to tide him over until the departmental tea.

    Anne-Maj Laine
    You see that shit she’s holding? That’s a pegleg. A fucking pirate’s leg! Cross her and suffer the same face-cracking and subsequent skull-pegging that Cap’n Jack Rackham suffered from his own appendage before making his generous donation in kind to the school.

    THE STRATEGISTS

    Seppoi
    Marjattan
    Keijok

    Seppo Ikävalko
    "The Baron," exuding stately pride over all that he surveys, descends from a long, esteemed line of Nordic Appalachians.

    Marjatta Nurmikari-Berry
    "The Matriarch." Through rigorous exercise, she keeps her spine so straight she will slip it out and harpoon you with it at the drop of a book. That book, incidentally, will not be one of the wisdom-infusing tomes on her head. They are attached.

    Keijo Kinnunen
    "The Thinker." Do not interupt him! He’s busy thinking.

    SPECIAL OPS

    Kristianvp
    Esakav
    Paulam

    Kristian von Pfaler
    West Side Choppers has nothing on this dude, who hand-crafts the fastest Vespas in Finland out of other Vespas and human teeth. Dare him to turn around and risk being blinded by "badditude" bejeweled onto the ass of his leather slacks.

    Esa Kaven
    "The Flash." He actually does not run very quickly, but do not try to serve him, for he will throw down  cardboard and windmill your legs out from under you faster than you can say "The Fla." Ghetto Blaster not included.

    Paula Mattsson
    Avoid messing with, or looking directly at, Paula, whose implanted video screen will enslave your mind ALMOST as fast as her ego-withering glare. (Tweak the right knob, though, and guess what? Endless Tubby Custard!)

  • Seeing Double

    Two magazines, one day’s mail.
    Two tales of drugs, one vision.

    Seeingdouble

    Top:
    New York, January 8 2007
    pages 24-25
    [My Adventures in Psychopharmacology]

    Bottom:
    Wired, January 2007
    pages 130-131
    [The Righteous Fury of Dick Pound]

  • The Gods Must Be Crazy

    Sometimes I wonder WTF is wrong with online weather reports.

    Today I saw this:

    Tomorrow: Rain showers early with some sunshine later in the day. High 57F. S winds shifting to W at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 40%. Rainfall near a quarter of an inch.

    Translation: "It will rain… It probably will not rain. It will rain."

    And recently I saw this:

    18°
    High: 34°
    Low: 26°

    Translation: "The universe is broken."

  • Failed Scoop

    KittLast week’s TIME magazine reminded me of one of the best and one of the worst things about working at a magazine with such a long lead time (the bimonthly Psychology Today.) Here’s a large chunk of the mini-story titled "MINI-PIMP IS MAD" on page 18* of TIME’s December 4 issue:

    "If you spot a car sporting the license plate LOLITA or MINI-PIMP, change lanes. Psychologists at Colorado State University have found that people who give their car a name or gender are more likely to express road rage … So if you come across the SWEAT-BOX OF DEATH–a name actually given by one of the study’s participants to his Ford Bronco–steer clear."

    That’s really interesting. Especially because it’s not true. Here, let me quote the actual research paper:

    (more…)