Chuck Norris Breaks Rules, Craniums

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Chucknorrisfacts.com is a list of hyberbolic factoids enumerating how Chuck Norris can manifest paradoxes and intimidate God, often with the use of his trusty roundhouse kick.

A couple nights ago my friend Liz and I got wacky on IM and started trading new ones back and forth. I've salvaged a few of mine, fixed the typos, and decided to add them to the canon. Read on for the semi-humorous sleep-deprivation-supplied souvenirs.

•There was once a drink called a Chuck Norris. It had 4 ounces of vodka in it. No one drinks it anymore because that's a lot of vodka in one drink.

•If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris," they spell "Shannon Doherty."

•If Chuck Norris were to cry, his tears would cry too, because he would punch the first tears for embarrassing him.

•Chuck Norris is so virile he once impregnated himself just by thinking about a stapler. The he started kicking himself in the abdomen to induce miscarriage. After that, he ate the fetus. And the stapler.

•If Chuck Norris were a show on VH1 he would be "I love the Chuck Norrises." He would also be "CSI: Chuck Norris," even though that should be on CBS.

•When Chuck Norris sneezes, instead of sounding like "achoo" it sounds like Metallica's "Enter Sandman."

•Chuck Norris spells punctuation "punch-you-ation."

•What is the sound of one hand punching? Ask the Big Bang. (The Big Bang will say, "Ask Chuck Norris." (Do no ask Chuck Norris. He might hit you in the face!!!))

•Chuck Norris is so booksmart he scored an 1150 on his SAT even though he missed one of his Kaplan tutoring sessions. (It was the final session that he missed, because he kicked the tutor and got booted out of the program. But the tutor was being an ass.)

•Chuck Norris keeps a healthy heart by exercising. He's done so many situps that he has a 6.5-pack.

•Chuck Norris gargles with magma. But afterwards he gargles with Listerine because magma leaves a supernasty aftertaste. After that he gargles with Scope because Listerine kinda stings too.

•When Chuck Norris pisses into a cup, it burns a hole right through the paper Dixie cup. And even though some urine gets on his hands, he doesn't wash them because he's so macho.

•Chuck Norris puts the fist in anal fistula. Afterwards, he doesn't wash his fist because he's so macho.

Feel free to add your own in the comments section… Chuck Norris says it's ok.

UPDATE: See: "Chuck Norris is the poor man's Cormac McCarthy."

Comments

18 responses to “Chuck Norris Breaks Rules, Craniums”

January 21, 2006

Ken

Chuck Norris waits for the “don’t walk” signal at intersections before crossing.

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January 22, 2006

mir

if you put this one;
“If Chuck Norris were to cry, his tears would cry too, because he would punch the first tears for embarrassing him.”
on a tee-shirt I would buy it – for reals.

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January 22, 2006

Liz

Mt. Everest is one of Chuck Norris’ balls.
(That was my favorite of yours, I don’t know why you didn’t salvage it, fix the typos, and add it to the canon. When Chuck Norris and I get wacky and start trading new ones back and forth, the new ones he trades are kicks and punches, and he salvages all of them, fixes none, and loads them all in a cannon.)

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January 22, 2006

Matt Hutson

My favorite of Liz’s:
“CN tells people his insane SAT score is the combination of two separate testings to make them feel better… CN’s SAT score was the combination of 0 testings.”
Or maybe:
“a girl i work with drank her own urine once”
Oh, wait, that came after we changed the subject. Scratch that.

Reply
January 23, 2006

joe

the bassline to “under pressure,” by Queen and David Bowie, also used in Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby,” is actually a recording of Chuck’s guts when he has gas.

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January 24, 2006

Jenn aka JeSais aka SushiSlut

“Chuck Norris can manifest paradoxes and intimidate God, often with the use of his trusty roundhouse kick.”
Yeah, but McGyver can do that with a stick of chewing gum and an inch of twine!

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January 26, 2006

Kent Roberts

Chuck Norris gave birth to himself, and then immediately roundhouse kicked himself for forgetting to take his birth control.

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February 1, 2006

Duke

“Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.”

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December 8, 2006

ga

only chuck norris can touch mc Hammer

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April 9, 2007

southpaw

People workout on a bowflex, and a bowflexs workouts on Chuck Norris

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April 9, 2007

tooboy

there is only one state, the state of being knocked the fuck out by chuck norris

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October 29, 2007

AustinBri

Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…Chuck Norris goes killing…
and
When the Boogie Man goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

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March 28, 2008

brandon webb

chuck norris dosen’t sleep, he waits

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March 28, 2008

brandon webb

tidal waves arent created by earthquakes, they are created when chuck norris does a cannon ball

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October 10, 2009

Peter Meijer

They once made chuck norris toilet paper, but it wouldn`t take shit from anyone

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January 20, 2010

eric

When Chuck Norris does a push up, its the Earth that moves.

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June 11, 2010

runes of magic gold

tidal waves arent created by earthquakes, they are created when chuck norris does a cannon ball

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February 25, 2011

Timothy Eastwood

“Chuck Norris doesn’t need to minimize programs to see the desktop, Chuck Norris sees all.”
This is my current favorite fact about Chuck Norris. Another thing is, growing up watching his appearances and the movie “Way of the Dragon” opposite Bruce Lee impresses me a lot more. Come on, it is a battle between East and West, Kung-Fu versus Karate. Still, they are both awesome.

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