DOOL Fools

So last Friday night I was chillin up in Hollywood, you know, just hangin out at the Days of Our Lives 40th Anniversary Party, as I do every year. Cause I watch a lot of soaps and I’m tight with that whole crew. And Ali Sweeney was all, "So glad you could make it, Matt!" and I was all, "No problem, hon."

Okay, I was there, but I had no idea who the stars were. A college friend who works on the show invited me as her guest, and she had to explain to me whom I was meeting. I’m sure soap stars don’t take well to "Nice to meet you. So what do you do?" You have to be very delicate with their egos. The most interesting person I talked to was a woman who had bid ten thousand dollars to be an extra on a Days episode. I believe she hangs an ornament on a tree in the background of a scene.

This being my first red-carpet Hollywood event, I didn’t know what to expect. I stated beforehand that it wouldn’t become a real party until someone offered me rails in the bathroom, and by that definition it never achieved full party status. All 500-1000 or so guests remained scandal-free throughout the Palladium event, which comprised dinner, several 60’s-themed open bars, and cover bands impersonating the Beatles and the Rat Pack.

On the way out, we received gift bags filled with loot. My first thought, of course, was eBay. How often will I use a DOOL-emblazoned hourglass, or a flannel blanket illustrated with a detailed map of their fictional town of Salem? But someone else posted the same schwag on eBay, and it wasn’t pulling the bucks I’d hoped for, so I’m thinking the humor value of keeping it all far outweighs the bother of shipping it off for nominal remuneration. Plus I’ve got a headstart on Christmas shopping this year. (Sis, you didn’t just read that. Act surprised.)

After the party we changed and went to a karaoke dive bar infested with hipsters. People with golf pants and vision-obscuring bangs were doing pitch-perfect renditions of 80s pop tunes. You know, going from a setting completely devoid of irony to one overrun with it can send you into shock. I might not have made it if the high level of absurdity had not remained constant.